Mijina Ba Ya Iya Gamsar Da Ni

𝐓𝐀𝐌𝐁𝐀𝐘𝐀❓

Assalāmu alaikum wa rahmatullāhi wa barakātuh. Malam, ina cikin wata matsala. Don Allah, mene ne mafita? Yanzu ina da shekara huɗu da aure, kuma muna da ’ya’ya biyu. Amma mijina bai taɓa iya gamsar da ni ta hanyar saduwa kai tsaye ba. Abin da yake yi shi ne ya yi min wasu abubuwan motsa sha’awa da hannunsa, sannan ya taɓa wani ɓangare na jikina har sai na samu gamsuwa.

Yanzu kuma, Malam, wallahi ba na son ya zo ya kusance ni. Idan ya zo min da buƙatar saduwa, sai na fara jin ƙunci sosai da baƙin ciki. Ina jin kamar ba zan iya ci gaba da rayuwar aure da shi ba. Gashi kuma mun riga mun haifi ’ya’ya biyu. Wallahi ba na son ya kusance ni. Ina jin kamar a raba auren.

𝐀𝐌𝐒𝐀❗️

Wa ʿalaikumus salām wa rahmatullāhi wa barakātuh.

Da farko, ya kamata ki sani cewa abin da kike ji ba ƙaramin abu ba ne. Matsalar rashin gamsuwa a rayuwar aure, musamman idan ta daɗe, na iya haifar da takaici, ɓacin rai, nisantar miji, da kuma lalacewar kyakkyawar mu'amala tsakanin ma'aurata. Saboda haka, bai dace a raina matsalar ko a ce kawai “ki yi haƙuri” ba tare da neman mafita ba.

A lokaci guda kuma, bai kamata a yi gaggawar cewa mijinki mai laifi ne ko ke ce mai laifi ba tare da fahimtar ainihin matsalar ba. Abin da ya kamata a fara yi shi ne a gano me yake hana samun gamsuwa, abin da ke taimaka miki wajen samun gamsuwa, da kuma ko akwai wasu matsalolin lafiya ko na dangantaka da ke ƙara ta'azzara lamarin.

Allah Ya bayyana manufar aure da cewa:

Arabic:
وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ

Transliteration:
Wa-min āyātihi an khalaqa lakum min anfusikum azwājan li-taskunū ilayhā wa-jaʿala baynakum mawaddatan wa-raḥmah; inna fī dhālika la-āyātin li-qawmin yatafakkarūn.

English translation:
“And among His signs is that He created for you from yourselves spouses that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed, in that are signs for a people who reflect.”
(Qur’an 30:21)

Saboda haka, rayuwar aure ba ta tsaya ga haihuwa da zama tare kawai ba. Akwai bukatun jiki, na zuciya, da na kusanci da ya kamata ma'aurata su kula da su cikin halal.

A wannan matsalar, akwai wani abu mai muhimmanci da ya kamata a gyara a cikin amsar da aka ba ki: ba daidai ba ne a ce saboda mijinki yana amfani da wata hanya ta taimaka miki samun gamsuwa, to lallai ya riga ya cika dukkan hakkinki, kuma ba shi da wata matsala da ya kamata a gyara. Haka kuma ba daidai ba ne a ce girman ko tsawon gabansa shi ne mafita ga kowane irin rashin gamsuwa. Abubuwan da ke sa mace samun gamsuwa sun bambanta, kuma matsalar na iya kasancewa ta hanyar sadarwa, dabarun kusanci, yanayin sha'awa, damuwa, gajiya, wasu matsalolin lafiya, ko wasu dalilai na dangantaka.

Abin da ya fi muhimmanci shi ne ma'auratan su fahimci juna kuma su yi ƙoƙarin neman hanyar da za ta biya bukatun kowannensu cikin halal.

Allah Ya ce:

Arabic:
وَلَهُنَّ مِثْلُ الَّذِي عَلَيْهِنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ

Transliteration:
Wa-lahunna mithlu alladhī ʿalayhinna bil-maʿrūf.

English translation:
“And women have rights similar to those [of men] over them, according to what is reasonable.”
(Qur’an 2:228)

Wannan aya tana koyar da cewa aure yana da haƙƙoƙi na juna. Ba wai namiji kaɗai ne yake da buƙatu ba, mace ma tana da haƙƙoƙin da ya kamata mijinta ya kula da su.

Haka kuma Annabi ﷺ ya ce:

Arabic:
إِنَّ لِأَهْلِكَ عَلَيْكَ حَقًّا

Transliteration:
Inna li-ahlika ʿalayka ḥaqqan.

English translation:
“Lallai iyalinka suna da haƙƙi a kanka.”
(Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī, 1968)

Wannan yana nuni da cewa miji ba zai mayar da hankali kan abin da yake so shi kaɗai ba, ya manta da bukatun matarsa. Hakazalika, mace ma ya kamata ta kula da haƙƙin mijinta gwargwadon iko.

Akwai kuma wata muhimmiyar magana daga Annabi ﷺ game da kusantar mace. Annabi ﷺ ya ce:

Arabic:
لَا يَقَعَنَّ أَحَدُكُمْ عَلَى امْرَأَتِهِ كَمَا تَقَعُ الْبَهِيمَةُ، وَلْيَكُنْ بَيْنَهُمَا رَسُولٌ، قِيلَ: وَمَا الرَّسُولُ؟ قَالَ: الْقُبْلَةُ وَالْكَلَامُ

Transliteration:
Lā yaqaʿanna aḥadukum ʿalā imra’atihi kamā taqaʿu al-bahīmah, wa-l-yakun baynahumā rasūl. Qīla: wa-mā ar-rasūl? Qāla: al-qublatu wa-l-kalām.

English translation:
“None of you should approach his wife like an animal; rather, there should be something between them.” It was asked, “And what is that?” He said, “Kissing and words.”
(This report is attributed to al-Daylamī in Musnad al-Firdaws; its chain is not established as an authentic hadith. It should therefore not be presented as a sound Prophetic narration.)

Saboda rashin ingancin wannan ruwaya, ba zan jingina wannan lafazi ga Annabi ﷺ a matsayin sahihin hadith ba. Amma ma'anar muhimmancin kyautata mu'amala da tausayi tsakanin ma'aurata tana da ƙarfi daga sauran nassosi sahihai.

Daga cikin sahihan nassosi akwai cewa Annabi ﷺ ya ce:

Arabic:
خَيْرُكُمْ خَيْرُكُمْ لِأَهْلِهِ، وَأَنَا خَيْرُكُمْ لِأَهْلِي

Transliteration:
Khayrukum khayrukum li-ahlihi, wa-anā khayrukum li-ahlī.

English translation:
“Mafi alherinku shi ne wanda ya fi alheri ga iyalinsa, kuma ni ne mafi alherinku ga iyalina.”
(Sunan al-Tirmidhī, 3895)

Saboda haka, ya kamata mijinki ya kula da wannan matsalar da muhimmanci. Idan ya san cewa akwai wata hanya ta halal da take taimaka miki samun gamsuwa, bai kamata ya yi sakaci da ita ba. Haka kuma, ya kamata ya koyi yadda zai fahimci abin da ke sa ki jin daɗin kusanci da shi, ba wai kawai ya zo wajen saduwa a lokacin da shi yake so ba.

Amma ke ma kina da wani muhimmin nauyi: ki bayyana masa abin da kike ji cikin natsuwa da gaskiya. Kada ki jira har sai ya zo ya nemi kusanci sannan ki nuna masa fushi ko ƙiyayya. Ki zaɓi lokacin da kuke cikin kwanciyar hankali, ki gaya masa cewa ba wai kina ƙin shi ne ko kina son cutar da shi ba, amma akwai wata matsala da ta daɗe tana damunki kuma kina son ku nemo mata mafita tare.

Ki iya cewa masa, a ma'ana: “Ina son mu gyara wannan matsalar tare. Ina son ka fahimci abin da nake ji, kuma ina son mu nemi hanyar da za ta sa rayuwar aurenmu ta zama mai daɗi da kwanciyar hankali ga dukanmu.”

Wannan ya fi cewa kawai “Ba na son ka sake kusantata.”

Haka kuma, kada ki yi amfani da rashin gamsuwa a matsayin hanyar azabtar da shi ko ramawa. Idan akwai matsala, a tattauna ta. Idan kuma akwai wani abin da ya sa kika fara jin tsanar kusancinsa gaba ɗaya, wannan ma yana buƙatar a fahimce shi.

Domin kin ce yanzu idan ya zo yana son kusantar ki sai ki ji ƙunci da baƙin ciki sosai, ya kamata a tambayi ko matsalar ta tsaya ne kawai kan rashin gamsuwa, ko kuma tsawon lokacin da matsalar ta yi yana haifar da wata ƙiyayya, fushi, ko raunin dangantaka tsakaninku. Idan wannan yanayin ya ci gaba, yana iya zama cewa yanzu matsalar ba ta ƙarewa a batun gamsuwar jiki kaɗai ba.

A irin wannan yanayin, shawara mai kyau ita ce ku nemi ƙwararren mai ba da shawara kan aure, kuma idan akwai yiwuwar wata matsalar lafiya da ke shafar sha'awa ko aikin jiki, a nemi likita mai dacewa. Wannan ba yana nufin dole ne ɗaya daga cikinku yana da wata cuta ba; kawai hanya ce ta gano abin da zai iya taimakawa.

Haka kuma, idan tattaunawa tsakaninku tana rikidewa zuwa faɗa, za a iya shigar da mutum na uku mai hikima wanda yake kiyaye sirrin aure kuma ba ya goyon bayan ɗaya daga cikinku kawai. Allah Ya ce:

Arabic:
وَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ شِقَاقَ بَيْنِهِمَا فَابْعَثُوا حَكَمًا مِّنْ أَهْلِهِ وَحَكَمًا مِّنْ أَهْلِهَا ۚ إِن يُرِيدَا إِصْلَاحًا يُوَفِّقِ اللَّهُ بَيْنَهُمَا ۗ إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ عَلِيمًا خَبِيرًا

Transliteration:
Wa-in khiftum shiqāqa baynihimā fabʿathū ḥakaman min ahlihi wa-ḥakaman min ahlihā; in yurīdā iṣlāḥan yuwaffiqi Allāhu baynahumā; inna Allāha kāna ʿalīman khabīrā.

English translation:
“And if you fear dissension between the two, send an arbitrator from his family and an arbitrator from her family. If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will cause it between them. Indeed, Allah is Knowing and Aware.”
(Qur’an 4:35)

Game da batun rabuwa, bai dace a gaya miki kai tsaye cewa “idan kika rabu za ki yi dana sani” ba. Wannan magana tana iya sa a raina irin matsalar da kike ciki. Haka kuma bai dace a ce “ki rabu kawai” ba tare da ƙoƙarin gyara matsalar ba.

Idan kin yi ƙoƙari na gaskiya, an yi magana, an nemi shawarar ƙwararru, an ba wa mijin damar fahimtar bukatarki da gyara abin da zai iya gyarawa, amma har yanzu ba ku iya samun rayuwar aure mai gamsarwa ba, to za a iya neman shawarar malamin da ya ƙware a fiƙhun aure da rabuwar aure domin a tantance abin da ya fi dacewa. Ba kowace mace da ta nemi rabuwa saboda matsalar aure ake cewa ta yi zunubi kai tsaye ba; amma bai kamata a yanke wannan hukunci cikin fushi ko gaggawa ba.

Haka kuma, samun ’ya’ya biyu ba yana nufin dole ne ki ci gaba da rayuwa cikin wahala har abada ba, amma ’ya’yanku suna ƙara muhimmancin yin shawara cikin natsuwa domin duk abin da za a yanke zai shafe su ma.

A ƙarshe, shawarar da zan ba ki ita ce: kada ki ɗauki wannan matsalar a matsayin rashin dacewar halittarki ko tasa kawai. Ku ɗauke ta a matsayin matsalar aure wadda ake iya tattaunawa da neman mafita. Ki gaya masa a sarari abin da kike buƙata, shi kuma ya saurare ki ba tare da jin cewa kina wulakanta shi ba. Ki kuma saurari abin da yake ji. Idan kuna kasa yin hakan ku kaɗai, ku nemi taimakon ƙwararren mai ba da shawara kan aure ko malamin da ya ƙware a wannan fanni.

Kuma kada a manta cewa kusancin aure ba ya kamata ya zama hanyar tilastawa ko cutar da ɗaya daga cikin ma'aurata ba. Dole ne a gina shi bisa soyayya, tausayi, mutunta juna, da kyakkyawar mu'amala.

Saboda haka, ki yi haƙuri, amma haƙuri ba yana nufin ki yi shiru kan wata matsala mai tsanani ba. Neman mafita ma wani ɓangare ne na haƙurin. Ki yi addu'a, ki yi magana da mijinki cikin hikima, ku nemi taimakon da ya dace, sannan idan duk hanyoyin gyara sun gaza, sai a nemi shawarar ƙwararren malami game da abin da Shari'a ta tanada.

Allah Ya gyara tsakaninku, Ya sanya soyayya da rahama a tsakaninku, Ya fahimtar da mijinki bukatunku, Ya kuma ba ki hikima da natsuwa wajen magance wannan matsala. Idan zaman tare shi ne mafi alheri gare ku, Allah Ya inganta aurenku; idan kuma akwai wani abu mafi alheri a gare ku, Allah Ya shiryar da ku zuwa gare shi cikin hikima da aminci.

Wallāhu a'lam.

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